Friday, March 13, 2015

Trying to find the fun!

Everyone can take a negative comment roll over and get back up. It might take longer for others. Today I see that no matter what I do or don't do I am getting hit after hit by one blogger. My intention when I began to write was to get the anxiety and stress off my body and mind for my BP and over all health. Then I get screwed over by a company then I find one to take on my book again well I have figured out that the only person I can trust is my self. I wont screw myself over but I might lie to myself lol! I will always push me to be better and take on any challenges or so I thought. Today I have been blacklisted as a person and as an author. why because I used a company to do business with. This blogger hates the owner. Well since then the business has closed up. Me the crap from my past still haunts me.

I have books I cant finish because of the stress. The stress of putting myself out there again after this lady has trashed me even to this day. I was crapped on again by a close friend or one I had counted as one making her own Press then like always lies.

My hubby is so supportive as his money gets wasted with ever penny I spend to pay for cover art editing and promoting. See this lady don't see/care that she has not just hurt me but the author I am or was. I hurt deep inside. Yet she could care less. We teach our children about bulling and know we have to watch out for the cyber bullying also. That's with kids, but this lady is no kid, she just don't care the damage she does as long as she makes everyone stay away from the lady who owned the old company.

I am not that lady who owned a company that pissed her off. I am not a thief. But she calls me everything damaging people's perception of who I am or how I do business. That is just unfair. But I didn't get a say in her trashing my name no more then I got a say in getting lied to or screwed over. I get punished as my family watches me struggle with the beating she gave/gives me.

I am still standing but only as half the women I used to be. Maybe I will get her back maybe not but I know the truth and have an ally to help bring justice to this blogger who took more then my dignity but my dream.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

So much going on I missed the mouth of October posting..... but I have a look into one new thing I'm working on!

I hope you keep reading and please contact me with any questions.  Facebook works best!!

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Hold on tight!!

So for the past few months I have been getting the kiddos ready for school and completely neglected my writing.  But today I can say that I have three books I keep switching on and off writing.  Hey before you say anything most of it is due to the character dialog going on in my head.  They want what they want!

Sophie's series note:
Today I can say that Sophie's Series Book two has been a struggle. I can not make up my mind if I want to get crazier then it is or keep the crazy at a low.  Sophie has grown into the queen she needs to be, has meet a new fate along the way, and will be coming back home with a secret neither mates will be happy with.  I still need a name for book two!

The Dark Lotus Series note:
Baily has been brought to her knees a few more times as she struggles to find herself again and again.  The boys have become a pawn her life that she fights to break the hold.  Ethan and Jake have formed an alliance to keep Baily and their sons safe.  But as the days grow longer with this battle, Chris is the one to save her from herself. He stood back for to long as Nick too has had enough of the games.  Jake still holds her heart as Ethan has the power to destroy her.  What adventure does Baily and the guys have up their sleeve this time?  Does Drake take her back drugging her until Baily is no longer herself?   I guess if you want to know you will have to keep following along!

Mia Di Morte note:

Mia is coming along nicely.  I am hoping to have her ready by Fall.  My hope  is that you all fall in love with her.   She will have a few heroes along the way helping her along with love and betrayal. But my girl is a bad ass and nothing brings her down!  Her enemies are still trying to find her weakness.  Good Luck!!

Now to my new babies~~~~~

Savage Lake Wolves:

My Photo crew was asked by one of the models for my first cover why the name Savage Lake Wolves?

Well Wolves are beautiful savage creatures by nature. But when you give them a mate, territory "forest surrounding a lake"to protect and understanding that they can love deeply and need to protect, you get My Savage Lake Wolves.  A pack of the young generation starting out on old pack land. They are the most savage.  Waiting to claim their mates when their wolf feels its right.  Mates  they have prepared a home for since they were fifteen  knowing whom they were matted too! Hormones run free as the threat of another wolf taking what's theirs. The beast of a wolf beckons to claim no matter the consequences!  A Savage has been created!

With the way these books are shaping out I might create a spin off of the series Savage Protectors.  I just haven't really decided yet! This young pack will create the Protectors that are combined from Were's and Vampires.  Their job is to protect the humans from the supernatural's who decide to not follow the rules.  They like blood shed way more then they should!

Buckle up and lets take a ride!!


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Do - over!!

Ok, so as you all can see I have added a few things to my page....  I want you al to be able to follow each book I have wrote or that I am working on...

As of this time I am no longer working with Phoenix Fire or Phoenix Rising Publishing. Lets say and call it creative differences if you must!!  However if you want o know the real reason please message me on FB or here and I will answer it for you....

I was blessed with two great friends and authors  who left with me and we have our own adventures going on!!  More exciting news is to come this week and with the depression leaving the building I can stay on top of this blog and will begin Tuesday teasers....  Yay!!!

So I will give you a little tease from the Savage Lake Wolves book 1 I am working on!! After al it is still Tuesday!!

Chapter 1


I remember the last time I was in this bar.  Like a long forgotten memory that had changed my life forever…  At sixteen I should have never been sitting at that table as me my twin Sienna and our best friend Lily played a game of quarters.  The guys sitting enjoying our company were soon ran off by Tanner my brother and his pack of goons.  We sat drunk off our ass still holding out for the win when he stepped in front of me, sniffed then grabbed me by the arm.  Sienna was ready to fly into action as was Lily until the young Alpha came in with the other piece of the prick, his twin brother!  It was still a blur even today as he held me close as his scent warmed me and I knew what it meant.  After he lifted me over his shoulders taking me outside away from my friends I knew I was a goner.  Lily and Sienna stood their ground even as they too were now in the same potion as I was. Taken without our say!

“Little Jazmin Thorn… my, my...  In a bar without permission, and no male pack member to keep you all safe.  You went against direct orders of your new Alpha.”  His nose skimmed my throat as I began to feel warmth spread around my body.. He was sexy as hell but has never gave me a second look until today.  “Today is my lucky day!  We all came from a meeting in town and walking out get this sweat delicate taste on our tongues.” His teeth scrap my collarbone as I gasp. I knew then we all were in a shit load of trouble. They scented us which meant they found their Mates! Holy HELL!!  Mamma was going to kill me.  “Our Mates were in the area. We had let you all go for too long, giving you time to mature and grow into young woman you need to be. Then we follow it here and watch as you flirt, tossing your flowing auburn waves around that bar as unmated males are ready to take what is ours!” I felt him the minute he took what would insure no other male wolf would touch me.  Those teeth sank in deep as he lapped the blood that flowed.  Marking me as his in the most brutal way!  Neo Fire just claimed me with his mark!!   

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Big news is on its way!!

Ok so I have a big announcement.... please be patient and by this evening I will have it posted to both here Facebook and twitter.

thank you all

Monday, December 16, 2013

New Look!!

As you can see I have changed my banner and my look!!  Hope you all like it!  Editing still under way as I continue to write book 2 of the Lotus series...

Betrayed and Marked  Sophie's Series book 2 yet to be named is in the work for April!!

Happy Reading!

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

New book is ready for editing!!

Hey everyone been a long time since I was on.  I know I promised to keep up my post and I have been trying.  Once I begin to write I eat sleep and breath it. 

Well I'm so excited!! My new book is ready to be read by my beta's and then sent to my miracle worker my editor.(doing a happy dance while my kids laugh at me calling me crazy)  Yep that's me!

My title has finally made a home in my heart were I wanted too. It just felt right so when I typed the last paragraph as my fingers glided across the keypad there it was.  That title made itself at home on the last line!

Here's the sneak peak of a chapter. Just keep in mind its un edited and ruff!  Well might be ruff I should say!  Hope you enjoy it!!

                                                                       To Darkness With Love

Chapter 20

 I stood outside watching as the sun rose and my own beast rose with it.  The rage over my loss was eating me alive and I had to go.  I packed up then got back in the SUV.  I drove the ten minutes to the warehouse.  The bay doors stood open so I got out and walked in.  A guy with silver hair spoke to me.

 “What can I do for you?” He is working a mold that as I get closer looks just like a real body.  Looking around the warehouse I see more of them like some kind of body farm of plastic and silicone.

 “I have a question about a receipt.”  I hold out my phone showing him it.

 “Yeah I remember that order. Give me a minute and I’ll take you to it.”  I wait as he puts porcelain eye balls in the eye sockets.  When he was satisfied with placement he wove me over with his fingers.  “I’s in the back ready for your pick up.  They called and said it would be a week later than originally planned.  I told them not a problem I had the space.” He laughed as we took a turn that ended at a set of bay doors.  “You starting Halloween early?  Unusually people do this to play a trick on someone so when he came in to be molded.”  He scratched his head.  “Well let’s get this open then you can make sure it’s to your liking.”  The crate was open!

“When was the original pick up?”  I asked him as I looked at the contents.

 “A week ago.  The call to hold it was put in six weeks ago.  We had another one he had done about five months ago.  It was picked up a last month around the 23rd of July.  I thought they forgot about this one when they had the other. But here you are!”  He smiled opening the bay and getting a few guys to load it for me.

 I looked down into a face that dances in my dreams and lingers in every memory.  The face and body of perfect proportion to the man who sheltered me with his body. The man who gave life to our boys and who had secrets that ran deep.  There was no doubt he loved me or the lengths he would go to keep me safe.  Were we hit by accident or was it on purpose.  Another fake just like this was picked up weeks ago the same day Ethan dies.  Someone was playing games and it was time to find out who was on my side and how much they knew.  I watched as they put the lid back on then took it to the SUV the seats were all laid back.  So when I pulled away with a body of my dead husband I felt relief.  One thing was answered now I had to get the wolf to take off the sheep’s clothing.  Kissing Jake would make me sick but maybe it will flush him out.

 Finding a storage shed without showing ID was hard so I called my daddy their garage was air conditioned.  I didn’t want my husband to melt what kind of wife would that make me.  I’ll tell you the kind who is laughing as she drives down the interstate, with a silicone mold of her son’s father in the back seat, worried about him melting. Sick shit for sure. 

 Daddy didn’t ask what was in the crate as he unloaded it with Roger.  I did one better and swore them to secrecy like a little kid.  They couldn’t tell mamma, Nancy or even Bo.  They handed me the crow bar I asked for.  I pried the lid off as my daddy jumped back in fear I robbed his grave and was really going over the deep end.  I laughed so hard I fell to the floor as Roger reached in touching his face.  I said “Boo” real loud and he too jumped. They told me it wasn’t funny as I laughed and they both looked at me wanting to ask more questions.  I left telling them they would be seeing the boys soon.  What I meant was the older boys.  I wanted then to bring this to the house. The basement should be a good place for it.  Then what I have in mind with it will get them all.  I said sick right!

 It was ten AM when I walk in the door to two sleeping babies and two big guys holding them with frantic eyes.  They watch me as I smile and step through to the kitchen to put away the bottles I pumped while I was gone.  I still have to be responsible.  The house was quite as I walked back into the front room.  Those two sets of frantic eyes were now pissed as they took in the outfit I wore yesterday clean hair and make-up face.  Nick watched me as Eyan looked me over.  My smiled got wider.  I had hugged Roger before I left my parents so his cologne would cling to me.  Bending over I kiss the boys one at a time on their forehead.  Neither stir as Nick and Eyan take a whiff of me.  The accusations in one set of eyes made me want to tell the truth but I had to fight for the answers I wanted.  I turn to walk away as Eyan try to take my hand.  I pull away fast.

 “I have to go back out later and before you ask, it’s none of your business.  School starts back up tomorrow so I won’t be late.  These little guys are going to my parents so we all a few hours off.”  I walked away as Nick and Eyan talked in angry voices. 

 “Baily, would you want to get something to eat later before your plans.”  Eyan asked.  Well kind sir.

“Sorry I don’t cheat.  Never have and I sure won’t start now!  Besides if I catch any one of you guys Chris, Bo or Travis following me I will lose your trail and leave my Durango to catch a ride with the person I’m seeing.”  I walk away to pack the boys’ bag.  Mamma will be here in an hour to take them.  She and Nancy were so excited when daddy told them. 

I was on the diapers when Chris walked in shutting their door.  He came up behind me wrapping me in a hug so tight.  I needed it so I let him hold me as we sank to the floor and I whispered to him I had to fight and he couldn’t help me.  He said nothing as he rubbed my back and kissed my temple like Ethan and Bo did to soothe me.  He was the only connection I had left to Ethan and the truth.  So I need him to believe in me to trust me as I hurt them all and watch as my cards fall into place.  Eyan opens the door seeing us like this and stands there with pain in those blue eyes of his.  He knew nothing of my pain.  He didn’t eat sleep and drink it like I do.  And I wore my grief on my sleeve.  Well really I do as the angel sits weeping as I do.  I’m wiser and have thicker skin now and I can’t back down, I have come too far to stop this girl who lost it all for a reason.  A reason everyone knows but me!

 Mamma and Nancy came to get the boys right on time so it left me time to find the right outfit for tonight.  I had showered as the guys kept walking bye my door like they were pacing.  My hair was curled at the end just for a sexy wave.  Then I pulled it back letting my long black mess twirl down my back.  A pair of skin tight curvy jeans that look like I sprayed them on.  Man Jackie did a good job helping me get new clothes.  My stomach was flat even after only having twins a month ago.  I chose a strapless bra top from Victoria Secret in black.   It was cute having some material that hung down to the fly of my jeans.  The little bow at the waist completed it as the fabric still let nothing to imagine.  I spray some Incredible on and hit all the right spots.  It’s four and I’m ready to head out.  After all I’ll have to lose them.   I text Jake I was on my way and laying low.

 I walk out my bedroom door to Chris almost going knee first down the stairs.  His mouth was open as he held on to the banister for dear life.  After he recovered he pointed his finger at me like I was a kid. 

 “Go change!”  He said with his finger pointing toward my door.

 “Nope I’m a big girl Chris, you guys have to get used to it besides. Who really wants a teenage widow with two babies?  I get to have fun just like you guys, I’ll even follow the rules and not bring them home.”  I walked by kissed him on the cheek and went down the stairs. 

 The others looked pissed with me and my choice of clothing or lack of.  Eyan came in after having his head in the fridge unable to keep his mouth shut.  He walked over to me like a predator, it felt good. This type of attention the bad girl craved.  She was out to play tonight but not for that she need answers and would play dirty getting them any way she could.  He was in my face and he smell good enough to lick the same cologne as Ethan.  The eyes had rage and something else I missed as he growled deep in his throat. 

 “Go change.”  He stepped closer as is chest hit and he bounced off mine. He looked down real quick them back to my eyes.   I stood my ground as a motorcycle reeved outside my queue to go.  I made a change of plans.  After all seeing is believing they taught me that.

 “NO.” I said loud with a hard voice as he looked taken back.  “You might be Ethan’s cousin but you’re not him.  You’re not my husband, he left me and this to do all alone.  Step back or you’ll lose your jewels.”  Nick grabbed him as I walked back wards breaking my heart as I went.  They came to the porch to see a big guy on a motorcycle with a helmet waiting.  Jake wore his helmet so you didn’t even know it was him.   I take the helmet as he hold my hips to him and Nick and Bo hold Chris and Eyan back.  Travis stands in the front with his arms cross over his chest.   He is watching everything to not miss even a flinch.  I straddled the bike wrapping myself around Jake as tight as I can.  I have to admit the thought was fine but actually sitting on it was another.  Scared shitless was all I have to say.

An hour later we hop off at the guest house doors. He drove around getting take out then here we are.  Anyone who followed would have been able to catch us.  He drove it like he lived “hell bent and crazy”.  I took my helmet off after he took his off.  He placed them in a compartment under the seat.  He took the bag of food inside with us.  The place hadn’t changed except for the pictures of us all over the wall.  Some of the boys and me.  One where he photo shopped himself in it.  It looked real and one at the hospital in NICU where he held them both with tears in his eyes.  He caught me looking. 

"That was taken the day you had them.”  He answered the question in my head. “The nurse gave me a wrist band.” He reached over to the coffee table to pick up the one that matched mine then with two bracelets formed into one.  “They told me you were in shock from the accident.  I had just got home when Dr. Nash’s office called they said there had been an accident to be at the hospital.  He told me you were in shock and Bo was with you.”  He swallowed the sorrow and fill himself with the rage.   “I was so pissed that he was there for you, until I heard you begging for Ethan.  He talked you down as they wheeled you away.   I waited on the delivery floor to find out they took you to a special room used for emergency cases.  The nurses were talking about you. They said the babies had been hurt but not as bad as they thought when you were called in from the crash.  Ethan had taken the full impact.”  He swallowed then shook himself back to the now!   “When I was in the ER I heard him talking to his parents and the doctors then an hour they said he died.  It didn’t make since until I saw his body.  It looked paraffin and stiff I couldn’t look, thinking it was almost you.  I made it back upstairs as the last little one was wheeled out.  I already had my wrist band so they let me in.  The doctor was wrapping the cast when I set eyes on the one I hadn’t seen yet.”  He looked at me.  “I feel in love with them weather they were mine or not they still had you in them.”   He laid out the food he had been collecting as he talks.  I got more answers the first five minutes in here than I ever thought I would.

“They are something special aren’t they? I mean they both are so different.”  I looked at the food I was hungry as I always was any more.  Digging in I pick up the water bottle and down it.  He goes and gets me another.  After we eat we talk about this and that.  The house and my new SUV, did I like living with all the guys.  I told him our deal and what they all did to help out, not surprised he knew some of it from nosy neighbors.  I told him I needed to get back the boys were being dropped off soon and the guys might not be there.  He came forward pulling me close and kissed me.  I knew he would but the passion I used to feel was gone and replaced with disgust.  Playing my part from there on out was hard. I felt dirty like I was cheating.  When his hand raise up higher to touch I let him!  He was gentle as I held myself to him like I used to do. 

 Fifteen minutes I was shaking my hair out of the helmet I had taken my hair band out before I put it on this time.  One lone person sat on the porch as I approached.  Eyan!  He looked like he had been crying as he had watched me detangle myself from Jake.  I sat beside him looking out over the yard one day soon the boys would play in.  The flowers that bloomed along the pathway up to the stairs. I knew tomorrow Chris would mow the grass, his shirt off and the house wives would be out doing something mundane looking as they ate him up with their eyes. We sat in silence until he reached for me and I pulled away again. If I let him touch me this night would have been for nothing.

 “Why, why won’t you let me touch you?”  His voice broke and I bleed all over again.

“Not everything is what it seems!”  I said matter of fact as his breath hitched and I got up walking away.  He stood up and grabbed me holding me to him.  His lips were on mine and the loneliness was gone.  A piece came home if only for a second that I stole happiness from a form of my husband.  He held me ravishing my body with his hands greedy and needy.  The scar became my favorite as I bite down on it feeling the hardness of scar tissue.  I played with it rolling it around until I had to stop.  My hand came out and slapped him.  He let go of me unsure why I did it.  I ran to the door flinging it open.

  Bo and Travis stood there ready to take on the rage Bo knew I had.  My first punch goes to his face as he ducks and I hit Travis instead.  He stumbles a little not ready for the blow. Not a sissy blow either.  I sweep my leg out catching him this time and he goes down.  I take my issues to the next one ready.  Travis stands legs apart like he was doing karate but me I could do it all.  Cheerleading and mixed martial arts love my mamma.  

 “You sure about this Trav.  I don’t hit like a sissy!”  He nods excitement in his eyes.  I fake a punch bringing my knee up into his hip bone.  Yep limping tomorrow for sure.  He stood back up this time unsure.  I put my hair band back in ready for when Bo got up from faking it  My jeans stretched which I’m sure they didn’t care about, but it gave me more movement. Travis lunged for me as I brought my forearm up cracking him in the throat.  He held it trying to breathe. In a second he would be fine just stun that a girl did it.  Bo was up as Nick came in to see what the heck was going on.  Bo wrapped his arms around my waist lifting me in the air as I flipped out of his grip and landed with my feet firmly on the ground and Bo toppling back, back then down.  My foot clipped his chin knocking him out.  They all stood there watching me then looking to Bo where he didn’t move.  Nick stepped forward to get to Bo and when I shook my head no wiping the blood from my lips he backed away with his hands in the air.  Travis stayed down where he went trying to breathe.  I looked around my rage for blood gone.  Walking to the stairs Eyan watches me.  My bedroom door got locked that night.

I woke to the monitor going off and the boys crying.  I knew I would have no help tonight so I but a pair of Ethan’s sweats on.  Their door was already open as Eyan stood over a crib bending in to get Nicky. I say noting as I got EJ and he followed me to my room.  Door shut I sit on the bed getting ready as EJ roots until he finds what he was looking for. I motion Eyan to bring Nicky to me he hesitates until I give a look that says don’t mess with me. They are eating as Eyan looks at me as I lay back eyes drifting close then open close then open.  They closed sometime and I reached down to find neither boy in my lap.  I get up to check on them and they are sleeping soundly.  Times like this is when I need Ethan and times like this when I get to close my door and cry myself to sleep.  I wake with Chris beside me and I’m snuggled on his chest.  Chest so bare I feel his hairs on my cheek.  We have school and I have a stop before I get there.  I nudge Chris as he kisses my forehead leaving with messy bed head he is running his hand threw just as Eyan comes out of the upstairs bathroom as my door closes.  Today I’m glad I have my own the look on Eyan’s face was murderous.  Someone needed to clue him in on how Chris has held me through every tear filled night since the accident.

 “Were did she learn how to do that.  I’m mean come on why did she just let Jake slap her and drag her around?”  Chris asked the kitchen full of guys two of whom knew me longer than them.

 “I told you all about the playground girl, well that was her!  Her mamma thought martial arts would help her become more confident and that helped with cheer.  She takes a lot and tries really hard to keep it back but this last month has been a lot.  It’s taken her body this long to heal to be able and stretch like that again.  Trust me!”  Bo tells them all the gory detail.

 “She like knocked you out cold, had she done that before?”   Nick wanted to see how far I was stressed and I have to say; No I can’t remember doing it before.

 “No dude, and next time don’t puss out drag my ass out of there.”   Bo what a pansy.  “She is up to something, she never spares for blood like she did last night.  I’m going to her parents later after football practice to get her old bags and mats.  The basement is perfect for a home gym.  And I would prefer her take it out on them then me!”  Shit I had to call my daddy and tell him to have it ready.  I sent him a text real quick and he replied back he would have it in the drive.

 “Morning guys looks like were missing someone this morning?”  Eyan was missing and I could breathe without wanting to stick my tongue down his throat.  I walk over to the fridge getting the turkey bacon and salad makings for my lunch out.  I grab a naked smoothie green machine.  After putting my bacon on a microwavable bacon plate I stick it in and add the minutes.  I open my smoothie and chug it.  They say nothing to me silent treatment fine.  I make my salad putting the dressing in a separate container.  I toss in a few bottles of water and they just watched me. The boys are bathed and dressed with diapers bags waiting thanks to my team.  I grab the diapers bags and my books bag taking them to the Durango. I sit Nicky by the side door taking EJ out first.  I come back for Nicky and the ass hats are watching me through the window. Yeah I hope they had fun watching me do this on my own because I just went on dinner strike.

 I had slammed the side door so hard the frame vibrated the windows.  I get Nicky buckled into his base and push my start button and my engine hum’s like a good girl.  The drive to Ethan’s parents is filled with silence.  In the drive sits the black charger belonging to Eyan and James is still here.  I get out and James comes to help taking Nicky as I grab EJ and the diapers bags.   Once in Kelly comes over kissing my cheek and eyeing me as Eyan walks in. James and she looked at each other as their secret stayed hidden.  Eyan took EJ’s seat as I followed him into the family room ready for them.  James had Nicky out already talking to him as he smiled at his grandpa’s funny voice.  I kissed the boys giving Kelly their feeding schedule.  She and James looked uncomfortable about something.

 “Baily as you know Eyan is going to your school.”  They shared another look.  “Well coach was going to retire Ethan’s jersey number at the first game.  We talked with him and he said we had to get you to sign the form.  But see Eyan wants to honor him and wear it this year.”  They looked to Eyan who held both boys like he had been doing it since before he ever stepped foot in my house. Kelly had tears in her eyes as she watched Eyan look at me. 

 “I think he would have loved it! I have study hall this year last hour so I’ll have him bring it there.”  I was unsure but the smile on Eyan’s face was worth it. 

 “Baily you know where here for you no matter what right?”  Kelly asked. 

 “Yeah.  If you have any problems with them call me they are letting me keep my cell on for them.”  I kept forgetting the memorial they made for him in front of the school, by the football field and our locker.  Every reminder I have to face.  I stumble a little hanging on to the wall for support.  The tears were coming I had to get out of here. 

 “Baily, are you alright you just about fell down?”  James held my arm.

 “Yeah just the day.  I have to go, but remember if they need me call!”  I ran out the door hitting the unlock button as I flew the driver’s door open and wrapped my arms around myself rocking back and forth as tears flowed.  I shut the door and left.  The mess I had to face took me back to that day the day they began lying to me.  I needed him and I had no idea where he was.